Slow Down - You Move too Fast

So referring back to my last post. My first mistake was in moving things too fast. New relationships can be wonderfully exciting and when we are in the midst of that excitement our good sense can sometimes go straight out the window. This is especially true if you are anything of an introvert as I am. Starting a relationship is very hard and having finally got there we can be desperate to hold on to it. Now with the right person that can be a wonderful experience – I have now remarried and it is wonderful. But with the wrong person – the manipulator or controller it plays straight into their hands. Not only do they have the relationship that they crave too but they also have power. That transfer of power can happen as early as the first few minutes of a new relationship.

Just think for a moment how power is established even in social or work based groups. Those who enjoy leading or dominating the group will establish themselves within minutes. How much more is there a vulnerability in romantic relationships because if we don’t open ourselves up to the other person then there isn’t really much of a relationship anyway. And if you are the victim of abuse you will know exactly what I mean; you gave too much of yourself too soon.

Then in our hunger to build a deep bond with this person we have met we then move deeper and more quickly into further aspects of the relationship – sex, living together, marriage. But once the power transfer has taken place I would suggest it is almost impossible to bring it back again. So is a transfer of power bad. Not at all, in any relationship it happens all the time – we freely and willingly transfer it, take it and offer it back again in many aspects of human relationships – in play, in lovemaking. It’s not that kind of transfer I’m talking about. It is the transfer of power that constitutes control within the relationship – when one person has a level of power such that they dictate what the other person can and can’t do, say and can’t say, who they can and can’t spend time with – when one person has that kind of power then abuse is likely to follow.

So, what can we do? What could I have done differently?

1. if another person really cares about you, and I mean really cares they will respect your need to take things a little slowly. That doesn’t give you the right to manipulate them back with timing but it should enable you to allow the first flush of feelings to settle
2. talk to a good friend about the relationship and be as honest as you can – and actually listen to what they say. They will probably have a different take on things to you – I know my brother and some friends warned me and I didn’t listen
3. ask yourself who is in charge
4. look out for warning signs – are you still free to do what you want to do – and I don’t mean can you be totally selfish – I do mean can you negotiate doing what you want to do – I constantly had to battle emotional outbursts to try to make me act in particular ways
5. observe how this new person in your life deals with others – especially their own family – families can be difficult but what is your gut feeling about them – in my case she had an extremely dysfunctional family
6. listen to what your deepest feelings are saying to you – I know I had deep reservations from quite early on and I should have listened