Don’t Blame Me

Another factor in how this all happened was that she, very early on, like second date, told me of the terrible life she had led with her parents. At the time I felt terribly sorry for her. Looking back and with what I know now I’m not certain that what she told me was totally true. Her subsequent take on what happened to her now seems to me to be wildly exaggerated at best and essentially made up at worst. It is interesting to note that extreme things that happened to her later in our relationship never happened when I was there (indeed I frequently observed the opposite) or were simply terminological inexactitudes. And also that on the times she was unfaithful it was never her fault and always men taking advantage of her – clearly untrue.

What is crucial is that at the time these events did seem true and I felt the need to help her. It facilitated her control of me because I felt that I needed to support her because I trusted her and therefore it appeared that she needed taking care of.

One example was at a time when we had a lodger. This was another young woman from our church who was taking a teaching qualification. She was very pleasant and easy going. However she and my wife had an argument. My wife had been suggesting that our lodger was being horrible to her when I wasn’t there for some time. Then a big row developed which I and the lodgers fiancée tried to sort out. It was clear to me at the time that the issue was that my wife had misunderstood what our lodger had said (I now think this was quite deliberate) and that was the cause of the argument. We all agreed at the time that perhaps it was a misunderstanding and decided to leave it and move on. I actually felt very pleased with myself for dealing with the situation equitably without my wife “throwing a wobbly”. Little did I know she was simply saving it up for when we were alone. Later that day she told me that I had not stood up for her and that I now needed to go back to our lodger and explain that we weren’t happy with the resolution and that she must leave. Fortunately by this time she had decided she wanted to leave so all was OK.

But it was this grinding away at my self confidence – feeling totally unable to make any decision – yet responsible for everything around her well being – this is emotional abuse and it destroys you. When it happens year in year out. And the silent treatment when she didn’t get her way – the silent treatment is perhaps the most manipulative thing a person can do to another person.