Don't Mention the War

A key controlling aspect of the relationship was her insistence that all aspects be kept secret. In the days leading up to our wedding we had huge problems with her very unsupportive and dysfunctional family. But to discuss any aspect of any problems we were having with anyone else was met with a dramatic reaction. As a result I felt unable to talk through any doubts or problems I was having with anyone other than her. And I didn’t feel I could be honest with her because on the occasions I did the result was a violent (psychologically, only one physically) response.

An example of this towards the end of our marriage was when I had discovered that she had had a sexual relationship with another man. I found this by looking through her emails, I was already suspicious though hadn’t really expected to find anything. I confronted her, finally, and was simply told I shouldn’t have looked at her emails. This led to many arguments and her telling me to move out (this was later described by her as me leaving her). I went to live with my Father, who was fantastically supportive. Feeling that i did need to talk to someone I spoke to my best friend of 20 years who was also great. After a while apart my then wife decided that we might try again. When I told her that my best friend knew she told it was a shame because we would never be able to see him again. That’s what I mean by control – I felt I had a choice – stay with her and my children or see my friend – but as I was very committed to the relationship felt I had no choice. Thankfully he is still my friend and our friendship has now outlasted the marriage.

On reflection I needed to talk to others whatever her reaction. Indeed her reaction showed there was something seriously wrong. In my marriage now we both freely discuss things with other people and it greatly enriches our marriage – it still feels almost wrong but is actually hugely freeing. Its often not until you break free that you realise you were actually in prison.