Not in Front of the Parents

I was 20 and in my first serious relationship. I was away from home at University and felt the world was my oyster. I had had a very mixed childhood which was basically good but had one or two key problems. My Mum suffered from severe depression and was very unhappy with her life – she would regularly spend two or three hours on a Saturday morning (my Dad was at work) unloading her problems on me – this would always result in her crying and me comforting her. Added to this my Dad had an affair when I was 14 – suddenly, it seemed to me, Mum’s view of her marriage wasn’t so bad and it was up to me to persuade him to stay. I think these two factors had a significant effect on me allowing the abusive relationship to continue, in fact even to start.

In my mind I was very worried that if I didn’t do as my ex-wife demanded she would either harm herself in some way, which would be my fault, or that the relationship would end – something I was very afraid of. I tried to discuss early concerns with my Mum but rather than supporting me she told me what to do. From that point onward my relationship was partially secret and I felt unable to share my troubles with it. My Dad was also very dominated by my Mum and so he just towed the line.

From an early stage my ex-wife and Mum did not get along. This was to be a pattern with my ex, she never had a good long term friendship with another woman. There was always a reason why they were horrible to her and these events always happened when I was absent. My ex caused therefore huge problem between me and my Mum in particular. With hindsight my Mum had been right about a number of issues but hindsight is always easy, at the time I did what I thought was best.

Much later in life, when I separated from my ex-wife my Dad, Mum having died, was fantastically supportive, tried very hard not to take sides but ultimately made separation much easier for me than it might have been.

I would say to parents support your children in their relationships, keep the channels of communication open, try not to tell them what to do – let them decide with your support. And talk….

Don't Mention the War

A key controlling aspect of the relationship was her insistence that all aspects be kept secret. In the days leading up to our wedding we had huge problems with her very unsupportive and dysfunctional family. But to discuss any aspect of any problems we were having with anyone else was met with a dramatic reaction. As a result I felt unable to talk through any doubts or problems I was having with anyone other than her. And I didn’t feel I could be honest with her because on the occasions I did the result was a violent (psychologically, only one physically) response.

An example of this towards the end of our marriage was when I had discovered that she had had a sexual relationship with another man. I found this by looking through her emails, I was already suspicious though hadn’t really expected to find anything. I confronted her, finally, and was simply told I shouldn’t have looked at her emails. This led to many arguments and her telling me to move out (this was later described by her as me leaving her). I went to live with my Father, who was fantastically supportive. Feeling that i did need to talk to someone I spoke to my best friend of 20 years who was also great. After a while apart my then wife decided that we might try again. When I told her that my best friend knew she told it was a shame because we would never be able to see him again. That’s what I mean by control – I felt I had a choice – stay with her and my children or see my friend – but as I was very committed to the relationship felt I had no choice. Thankfully he is still my friend and our friendship has now outlasted the marriage.

On reflection I needed to talk to others whatever her reaction. Indeed her reaction showed there was something seriously wrong. In my marriage now we both freely discuss things with other people and it greatly enriches our marriage – it still feels almost wrong but is actually hugely freeing. Its often not until you break free that you realise you were actually in prison.

Statistics - 2

7% of women and 5% of men were estimated to have experienced any domestic abuse in the last year, equivalent to an estimated 1.2 million female and 800,000 male victims.

Source: Mankind and The Office for National Statistics

You’re Mine All Mine

From very early on in our relationship she was very possessive of me. She endeavoured to limit how much time I spent doing other things. Now some of this was probably for good reasons as I was overspending but there was also the sense of  I’m here staying in with nothing to do and you’re out having a good time. The problem didn’t come from the desire to be sensible with money – the abuse came from the means that she employed to get me to follow her demands – if you don’t do what I say then I will cry and scream and embarrass you through my reactions.

She was also very possessive of my time – I had to spend every weekend from after work Friday until the last possible moment on Sunday with her. Then when it came time to part she would nearly always throw a wobbly so that I either had to leave her in tears or stay and miss Monday at work. This pattern of kicking off and “making” me miss work was a long term pattern that greatly affected both my career prospects and my own attitude to work.

Looking back on this I really can’t believe that I let her control me in this way – the problem at the time was that I didn’t have the emotional/relationship skills to deal with it. I think other people had no idea at the time the pressure I felt under. The pressure from her to be one way and in fact the pressure from my parents to break off the relationship – the end result of course is that I got ill from all the stress – but then that illness and stress actually fed back into the cycle to make things worse.

The other thought I have in thinking through all this again is that someone else will think I’m making a fuss about nothing. I think you have to have been in an abusive relationship to realise the power that the other person holds over you and the terror of going against their wishes. That’s what made it abusive. Was it all her fault? Certainly not – it was a combination of factors – my character, my life skills at the time, her character, her life skills, her past – in once sense those are all excusable, we all have baggage, but it becomes abuse when control is exercised deliberately in order to get what the person wants.

Statistics - 1

40% of domestic abuse victims are male

Source: Mankind and The Office for National Statistics

Don’t Blame Me

Another factor in how this all happened was that she, very early on, like second date, told me of the terrible life she had led with her parents. At the time I felt terribly sorry for her. Looking back and with what I know now I’m not certain that what she told me was totally true. Her subsequent take on what happened to her now seems to me to be wildly exaggerated at best and essentially made up at worst. It is interesting to note that extreme things that happened to her later in our relationship never happened when I was there (indeed I frequently observed the opposite) or were simply terminological inexactitudes. And also that on the times she was unfaithful it was never her fault and always men taking advantage of her – clearly untrue.

What is crucial is that at the time these events did seem true and I felt the need to help her. It facilitated her control of me because I felt that I needed to support her because I trusted her and therefore it appeared that she needed taking care of.

One example was at a time when we had a lodger. This was another young woman from our church who was taking a teaching qualification. She was very pleasant and easy going. However she and my wife had an argument. My wife had been suggesting that our lodger was being horrible to her when I wasn’t there for some time. Then a big row developed which I and the lodgers fiancée tried to sort out. It was clear to me at the time that the issue was that my wife had misunderstood what our lodger had said (I now think this was quite deliberate) and that was the cause of the argument. We all agreed at the time that perhaps it was a misunderstanding and decided to leave it and move on. I actually felt very pleased with myself for dealing with the situation equitably without my wife “throwing a wobbly”. Little did I know she was simply saving it up for when we were alone. Later that day she told me that I had not stood up for her and that I now needed to go back to our lodger and explain that we weren’t happy with the resolution and that she must leave. Fortunately by this time she had decided she wanted to leave so all was OK.

But it was this grinding away at my self confidence – feeling totally unable to make any decision – yet responsible for everything around her well being – this is emotional abuse and it destroys you. When it happens year in year out. And the silent treatment when she didn’t get her way – the silent treatment is perhaps the most manipulative thing a person can do to another person.

If you leave me now ….

A fear of the relationship ending deeply affected me both early on and later once we were married and children had arrived. The result of this was that I put up with things that on reflection I should never have done so. If I had to give one piece of advice to anyone it would be don’t let another person treat you in any way that you feel uncomfortable with. It may seem obvious to those who don’t struggle with this but to those who do – you know exactly what I mean.

How did this work in practice? I’m going to give one example. This was very early in our relationship. We had been out for the evening – a good time together. I’ve waited with her at the bus stop for her bus home. She chooses this moment to tell me what a terrible time she has been having at home and that I can’t abandon her to going back there. I feel totally out of my depth – I have a mostly good home life. So far this is just another person sharing their problems. But now comes the manipulation. If you love me you won’t make me go back. So how do I react to this. I can react in a number of ways:

• I can sympathise and agree that it must be tough
• I can try and sort it out for her
• I can do nothing just listen
• I can ask her what solution she wants and support her in achieving that

Maybe there are others. What I did was sympathise and pack her off on the bus. But internally I took responsibility for her plight when I was in no way able so to do. What she did was suggest that if I wasn’t going to sort it out for her our relationship had no future. Tie up my taking responsibility, my wanting to cling on to the relationship and her willingness to dump it fully on me and the transfer of power and the backdrop for emotional abuse is well and truly set.

Now clearly taking one example is not sufficient and there were many such examples. But the trend had begun.

I would also add that the role of others can be crucial. I shared this event with my Mum. Her response was that I should let the relationship “cool”. Whilst she may have been right this was actually no help and as a result from this point on I stopped sharing things with my parents. People should think carefully about the advice they give others. We should always investigate how they feel about the situation and allow them to come to the conclusion of how to deal with it – telling them what to do rarely works and may make matters worse.

Slow Down - You Move too Fast

So referring back to my last post. My first mistake was in moving things too fast. New relationships can be wonderfully exciting and when we are in the midst of that excitement our good sense can sometimes go straight out the window. This is especially true if you are anything of an introvert as I am. Starting a relationship is very hard and having finally got there we can be desperate to hold on to it. Now with the right person that can be a wonderful experience – I have now remarried and it is wonderful. But with the wrong person – the manipulator or controller it plays straight into their hands. Not only do they have the relationship that they crave too but they also have power. That transfer of power can happen as early as the first few minutes of a new relationship.

Just think for a moment how power is established even in social or work based groups. Those who enjoy leading or dominating the group will establish themselves within minutes. How much more is there a vulnerability in romantic relationships because if we don’t open ourselves up to the other person then there isn’t really much of a relationship anyway. And if you are the victim of abuse you will know exactly what I mean; you gave too much of yourself too soon.

Then in our hunger to build a deep bond with this person we have met we then move deeper and more quickly into further aspects of the relationship – sex, living together, marriage. But once the power transfer has taken place I would suggest it is almost impossible to bring it back again. So is a transfer of power bad. Not at all, in any relationship it happens all the time – we freely and willingly transfer it, take it and offer it back again in many aspects of human relationships – in play, in lovemaking. It’s not that kind of transfer I’m talking about. It is the transfer of power that constitutes control within the relationship – when one person has a level of power such that they dictate what the other person can and can’t do, say and can’t say, who they can and can’t spend time with – when one person has that kind of power then abuse is likely to follow.

So, what can we do? What could I have done differently?

1. if another person really cares about you, and I mean really cares they will respect your need to take things a little slowly. That doesn’t give you the right to manipulate them back with timing but it should enable you to allow the first flush of feelings to settle
2. talk to a good friend about the relationship and be as honest as you can – and actually listen to what they say. They will probably have a different take on things to you – I know my brother and some friends warned me and I didn’t listen
3. ask yourself who is in charge
4. look out for warning signs – are you still free to do what you want to do – and I don’t mean can you be totally selfish – I do mean can you negotiate doing what you want to do – I constantly had to battle emotional outbursts to try to make me act in particular ways
5. observe how this new person in your life deals with others – especially their own family – families can be difficult but what is your gut feeling about them – in my case she had an extremely dysfunctional family
6. listen to what your deepest feelings are saying to you – I know I had deep reservations from quite early on and I should have listened

How did it all start?

As with most forms of abuse it didn’t start that way. However I think that my approach to the relationship laid me open to abuse. To be honest I felt quite needy. I wanted a deep relationship with a girl (I was only 21 and she was only 17). We met and I felt instantly attracted to her and the feeling was I think mutual. However very early on in the relationship there were perhaps some warning signs. The problem with warning signs are first that we often tend to ignore them and secondly that they are not very reliable indicators of what will and will not turn out well/badly. Nonetheless for me there were a few warning signs:

1. The relationship moved on very quickly – on reflection far too quickly – going out, sex, living together, engagement
2. I was very scared of the relationship breaking up – looking back now the key thing that allowed things to go wrong and continue to do so
3. Very early on she told me of the years of abuse she had suffered from her parents – more about this in a later post
4. Very early on she was very possessive of me
5. Very early on she insisted on secretiveness where others were concerned
6. I didn’t have the knowledge/support of my parents

I intend to address these issue in  more details in the next few weeks with other posts.

Taboo

What a taboo subject this is. Not least between men. It implies weakness, failure – not being a man – whatever that means.
I had never thought I was being abused until I stepped away – was forced away really – and saw what life could be like without her. It was then that it dawned on me how abusive my marriage had been.
I want to use this blog to discuss what I went through so that others won't need to. To think about how it started, how it manifested itself, how I felt then and how I feel now, how it has affected me, signs of abuse: to take a stand against abuse and to stand with others who are abused.
To convince others that it is not inevitable and its not your fault.